the bigger the hair the closer to God

Thank you Miss Texas for the best quote of the 2009 Miss America pageant.  Every contestant got to introduce herself and say a little something about her state at the beginning of the program.  Miss Texas said this in Spanish, then repeated it in English.  Amazing.

Gosh I love beauty pageants.  And all reality shows about beauty pageants.  Today I wore big hair to church in honor of her fabulous quote.  OK well that's a lie.  I never need an excuse to tease the snot out of my hair and would have done it anyways without having heard the quote.  Certainly one of the best habits I picked up while going to school in Utah.  Not many people in Oregon tease their hair.  But they should.

I thought Miss Texas should have won for her comment, but she didn't even make top 15.  There's no bullshitting about how Miss America is really about scholarships with her.  Beauty pageants are about singing selections from bad musicals with the occasional tap dance, sequins, horrible show moms, and big hair.  I also liked when Miss Indiana won, started sobbing, and was completely speechless when the host asked her to say something.  I mean completely speechless.  Insert hands fluttering about the face.  What poise.

Watching Miss America 2009 Saturday night while eating the crab and shrimp stuffed portobello mushroom I had picked up at Whole Foods on my way home from work was the perfect end to my week.

breakfast

I eat a Cliff bar pretty much everyday for breakfast. It's easy to eat while I'm driving to work (late) and doesn't take any prep time. Because I seriously don't often have a minute and a half to microwave oatmeal on weekdays. There are usually about four empty Cliff bar wrappers in my car at all times.

With that said, I had an automated voice message this week letting me know that there has been a massive recall on Cliff bars due to some Salmonella contamination in their peanut butter. So that huge box of Cliff bars you bought at Costco (24 for $20-- what a steal) should probably be returned. I've probably already eaten half the box. Lovely. Also, I haven't been available to run errands during Costco's business hours this week.

So this morning as I drove to work, eating my Peanut Butter Crunch Cliff bar, I hoped I wasn't going to get Salmonella poisoning, because I can't figure out how to go to the doctor with my health insurance (it was hard enough to just figure out which plan to sign up for and in the end I just did the same one my friends were doing). And I don't have time to take a sick day.

Camel Toe

And not the kind you are probably thinking (or maybe it's just me that automatically goes somewhere inappropriate in my mind). This morning on the elevator on my way up to the office, a man pulled something out of a paper bag to show the other man on the elevator. A camel toe mounted on some sort of a plaque. Wow those taxidermy people can do anything.

Maybe this would have been substantially less funny had I not been at work until 11pm last night and am deliriously tired and it's only Wednesday. But don't you think that's funny? What a gloriously weird paperweight for some one's desk. And a quick tip, if you want to find a picture similar to this one, I urge you to search "camel foot" and NOT "camel toe." Sick.

three little letters

C.P.A. They will soon(ish) be mine. I have officially passed all four sections of the exam. I studied tolerably well (for me) for the first three exams I took in August, and felt pretty confident after leaving the exams.

Now the last one, FAR (Financial Accounting and Reporting, for the layperson) I knew was going to be a beast. So I left it for last, giving myself almost three months to study for it when the others had gotten about a week each. I don't like studying, and I've found I REALLY don't like studying while working. There were about 90 review videos for FAR, and I watched 12 of them before taking the exam. I felt awful during the exam, and left the test center knowing I had failed. There's $200 I'll never get back.

But earlier this week, my dad sent the following text: "Can you say 76?" Really? I passed?! 'Tis the season for Christmas miracles. FYI, you must receive a 75 to pass. So I passed this by the skin of my teeth. A big thank you to BYU for a fabulous education.

I could not stop smiling the entire day. This feels like such a huge accomplishment. Not exactly fulfilling childhood dreams, but it's OK for dreams to change as you grow up. That's what Dr. Laura says.

"bean counter" has taken on a whole new level of meaning

I'm at the end of my week and a half of IO's. I'm so over counting stuff. Here are a few hilights (I really don't mean to be always complaing about my job, because I do like it).

New Year's day I was counting food items at a local restaurant chain. At 6am. I had gone to the YSA New Year's dance, come home and slept from 2-5am, then got up and worked for 5 1/2 hours before taking a nap from noon to 3. Who says public accounting doesn't come with a fabulous work-life balance?

The next day (note, I worked 2 firm-wide holidays in a row), I counted medical supplies in a warehouse in Vancouver. I at least got to push it back a couple hours in the day because there was snow when I woke up, and I'm only willing to get in the one car accident for the firm.

Monday, I got to go in a clean room for the first time and count stuff. After the novelty of the suit wore off, I was just kind of hot and sticky. This IO spilled over into the next day because we missed a section of the inventory the first time. So that makes 3 workdays in a row I got to drive to WA. By now I'm a pro at suiting up for a clean room (the 2nd day I got to go in twice due to the thoroughness of my auditing skills). Sidenote, if I were a practicing Muslim, I'd need to really step up the eye make-up because my current routine doesn't do a lot for my face when only my eyes are showing.

Wednesday, then again Thursday for half the day, and Friday for half an hour, I counted airplane parts in Hillsboro. Last year this IO supposedly took just half a day, but oh my gosh it took me forever. Some of that stuff was seriously hard to count. I was crawling all over boxes and practically laying on the ground to see some of it. Totally covered in dirt by the end of the day. I suspect ghost-ticking or eating hours last year, if you must know.

Then one of my managers got me off the last IO I was assigned to for 2 days so I could finish the airplane parts. It would have involved counting plants and trees at a nursery and lots and lots of mud. Good story I'm sure, but I'm happy to have been spared the experience. Now bring on busy season!

i just heard a really good story

This morning I'm in the kitchen making a cake for break the fast when my roommate Heather rolls upstairs and says, "Do you want to know what my life has come to in the past 12 hours?"

Yes.  Yes I do.  Heather always has good stories.  So last night she was out with some of her girlfriends and runs into the best friend of an old boyfriend.  This old boyfriend has been one of those on again off again never ending nightmares that we can all sympathize with.  Heather and the best friend end up making out at the bar (I personally think the old boyfriend deserves for her to systematically make out with everyone of his friends).  

As the night comes to a close the friend offers to take Heather home.  She gets into his car and after a bit realizes they are not headed to our apartment.  He claims they are going to stop by his place first then he'll take her home.  She insists that he go to her place first or just let her out there and she'll find a different ride home.  He keeps driving and they end up at this house way way east of Portland.  She verbally punches him in the face and sleeps on the couch.

This morning she wakes up before everyone else and is desperate to get out of there.  She begins rifling through mail in search of an address for the house and finally finds the address outside on the electricity meter.  Heather calls a cab and the cabbie is like wow you're way out there that is going be an expensive cab ride.  Suck.

Heather walks over to the couch, removes the friend's wallet from his sleeping person, and grabs a wad of twenties.  Then she picks up his cell phone and deletes her number from his phone along with all of his text messages for good measure (she can't remember if she's sent him a text or not).  The cab comes, Heather leaves, and even ended up with an extra $20 after paying for the cab.

I would have given anything to be there in the morning when he woke up, found she was gone, and  realized that he could no longer call her.  Hopefully he'll assume the missing cash was spent on booze he just can't remember.

words to live by

For Christmas my mom asked me for a book I wanted in my stocking. I requested a fashion magazine and an Anne Taintor planner because I couldn't think of a novel I'd heard about recently. Pretty sad statement on my life, I know. My new planner, however, has some fabulous quotes that speak to my soul. My fav has even made it into the header on my blog. Here is a list of some of the best quotes:

• She had every intention of making the same mistake twice.


• She objected to the term "tramp."


• If by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape? Then yes, I'm happy.


• Why yes, I am that kind of girl.


• She was eager to stoop to his level.


• Old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's ass.


• Someone was going to have to set a bad example.


• And to think I'm only using one-tenth of my brain.


• She was disinclined to play by the rules.


• Funny... I don't recall asking for your opinion.


• He couldn't become a distant memory soon enough to suit her.


• He was not as fascinting as he had once appeared.


• She thought of him fondly as "Plan B."


• Her presentation was flawless.


• I refuse to let common sense cloud my judgment.


• She could hardly wait to regret this.


• There was nothing passive about her aggression.


• Pain was too good for him.


• Yes, but he was her jackass.


• She could no longer pretend he wasn't an idiot.


• What couldn't that woman do with tofu?


• It had seemed like such a good idea 12 months ago.


• Naughty? Nice? It could so easily go either way.


• Frugal is such an ugly word.

And last of all, the theme of my life:

"She could never remember which was better... Safe? Or Sorry?